I'm still here
So, I've been thinking a lot lately.
In my experience, this is never a good thing.
I'm sure there has been some sense of my general frustration with life here, lately, but I have been having so much trouble describing it to anyone, Carlos, my parents, my friends, or even myself, without getting unreasonably angry or upset, that I didn't really know how to talk about it here.
However, it has been on the forefront of my mind, so I've had trouble NOT talking about it as well, thus this is partially one reason for my lack of posting.
(Of course, this either means that I've been frustrated for the entire time I've been writing this blog -- over 2 years now -- or I'm just really good at making excuses)
I'm at a sort of impasse right now. Without getting into specifics, I'm at a point in my job where my position is on the line. I work in a high-stress environment, where I'm paid on performance, and my "performance" is based somewhat on things outside of my control. At the very least, my pay (I'm paid on commission) is going to be reduced by at least 50% in the next few months, at worst, I will lose my job.
The idea of taking another sales job actually physically makes me sick, but it is all I have done since graduating with my uber-practical History major in 2001. I have a mortgage, and a house that will be difficult to sell for what we paid for it 2 years ago, and while I have no other debt, the mortgage is not small -- and C's job is very tentative right now, so I can't rely on him.
I'm at the point where I hope he gets let go in the rumored lay-offs this week to give us an excuse to sell the house at a loss, and start over somewhere. I just don't know how to start.
I was talking to my mother last week and I mentioned how I've always been working. In school I was a very hard worker, working harder than I needed to to get a decent grade, in college I chose my studies based on what I thought I was best at, not what challenged me, or what interested me, or what I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, because I was so afraid to fail. And now, I feel like a complete failure anyway.
I'm reading all the books you are supposed to read when you feel like this, but it is hard for me to sort out what I REALLY enjoy doing, because I never really had that in my life until I became involved in knitting, and spinning and the blogs I read much more often than I comment or post here.
I've often avoided posting when things in my life were "too hard" to talk about, but I want to share them here. I want to start pushing myself to do things that are challenging to me, and to get off safe ground, because safe does not equal happy for me right now.
This is not the post I intended to write after spending some time today photographing my stash for Ravelry, but as I can't find my camera cable in the mess in my fiber room, this is the post it will be.
Thanks for reading.