Eat.Knit.Sleep

I know I have been absent lately, and I really appreciate all of the congratulations you all gave to me and C. Unfortunately, they are all for naught. C didn't get the job.

I had planned a whole post explaining the drama and the crazy story, but I just don't have it in me. He didn't get the job, and we don't know what we are going to do, and I thought we were going to get through this because we were there for each other, but we are not.

I don't handle stress well. I need action, I need to move forward all the time or I feel like I am slipping backwards. I can't stand inertia or apathy, and apparantly all C wants to do is nothing. I tried to be there for him by bottling up everything I felt, and not talking to anyone about how scared I was, or how lost I felt. I really felt like people didn't even identify with my as my own person, separate from C, as all anyone wanted to talk to me about was how his job hunt was going, and how he was handling it, and acting like my only existance in life was to be there for him.

I started to get angry, irrationably angry. Not at anyone in particular, at everyone in particular. I resented C for being nice, or when he was distant, and on Saturday it came to a head. Everything he did drove me crazy and eventually after he cooked me a lovely meal, I flipped out. I took everything out on him, and all I wanted him to do was to tell me that everything would be ok, and we would get through it together.

He didn't.

In retrospect, how could he? He realize that I was stressed, or angry, or needed someone to talk to. That I wanted to talk to him. In retrospect, how could he when I was putting on an Acadamy Award performance of completely together perfect girlfriend.

I told someone on Friday that things were better than ever between C and me, and right now, I don't know if things will ever be ok today.

We've had a rocky past, C and I, and he is more angry at me than he ever has been. He won't interact with me, he won't talk to me, and he just throws unnecessary comments around all day long.

An empty beer bottle on the counter? "Are you ever going to take any of your shit to recycling?"

Oscar didn't get his medicine (two person job) "Why do you take things out on an innocent dog?"

Need his social to get him up and running on my insurance "My life is not your problem."

I'm not trying to victimize myself. I basically picked a fight for no good reason because I needed to yell and he was there. I'm not proud of it, and do believe he has a reasonable right to be angry with me but he won't let up. I got angry because I was feeling out of control, isolated, and alone. I love living my life with C and feeling like I have a partner, but it times like this I feel like I don't have anything to do with my destiny, and it sucks. A similar crisis happened 2 years ago when we moved to PA, and it took us years to get past it, and I can't go through this again.

I have faith in our love for one another, and intellectually I know we will get through this but it doesn't change that fact that I am at work in a job that I despise and I am an emotional wreck right now.

But this is a knitting blog, and I've been knitting like crazy since this all happened. I'm on the gussett decreases on my Calla Lilly socks. I've finished the knitting on my Boatneck sweater. I've started a Forest Canopy shawl and a Somewhat Cowl. I'm waiting for Secret of the Stole to start. I'm learning fair isle.

I will get through this. I'm stressed, he's stressed, and we need to learn how to be stressed together, and life is basically trial and error. This is a repeated error. I think I need to start a new pair of socks, with the Lorna's Laces C bought me on Wed, as a suprise present, before he found out the job fell through, for me to knit to wear in our new life in Mass. Maybe if I knit those socks, it will help.